The Power of “No”
At every step along the way, there have been many more people ready to say “No” to me than there ever were to say “Yes”. The “No” came in many forms. In the form of my first boyfriend doubting my future aspirations. The form of bosses not advocating for me or giving me permission to pursue anything other than that which would fulfill their own needs. It came in the form of rejection—from crushes, from boyfriends, from the popular girls at school, from my parents and from my own culture. “No” is a very powerful word, a destroyer of hopes dreams & wishes. A cage, a heavy chain, a weighty anchor. “No” can stifle growth when your wings are clipped so that you don’t fly. It can prevent you from discovering your true self and experiencing life.
And funny enough, it was never okay for me to say “No.” I was not taught how to say no or that it was even a possibility. I didn’t even consider saying “No” when asked to do something or be something. And this came to a head when one time I actually said ‘No’ and he didn’t think that when I said ‘no’, I really meant it. He thought it meant yes.
Even after that, I still didn’t learn to say No. Always seeking approval, community, wanting to fit in. I said yes to what was expected of me, I said yes when I was uncertain, and I said yes even when I didn’t want to. I took on projects I wasn’t interested in. I was the one who managed our household—from family vacations, to summer camp, to birthday parties, to holiday decorations and everything else in between. I went along with my family wishes because it was the path of least resistance—at least the conflict would remain within me and not show up externally because of me.
In 2016 I said No again. And this time, I did something about it. I needed to. It was a matter of survival, of self-preservation. One last hurrah from my Spirit to speak up before I resigned myself to a life of existing, not living. I moved halfway across the country with 2 children in tow, leaving my old job and marriage that were no longer serving me. I didn’t know who I was. I certainly didn’t recognize who I had become.
In 2019, a lifetime of hearing No from everyone and saying Yes to everyone led to a mental health crisis. I took 2.5 months of medical leave to heal myself. I learned about the importance of saying No. I was preparing to accept that saying No and establishing boundaries with work, my boss, my family would not make them happy. It meant prioritizing myself—i used to joke around that not only was I not even at the top of my list of priorities, i wasn’t even on the list.
I’ll admit, saying No was hard. I didn’t know how others would react. I learned that establishing boundaries meant I wasn’t at everyone’s disposal. Saying No was not coming from a place of being uncooperative or selfish. To me, saying No meant I was placing value on my mental health, on my physical health, on my family and my overall well-being. It was an attempt at establishing some semblance of work-life balance (whatever that means). It means that if others perceive me as being inconsiderate or not “being part of the team”, then they do not understand my story, my life, my experience and how I nearly lost my life because I didn’t learn how to say no.
What are you saying “NO” to? What are you no longer willing to tolerate? To sacrifice? To deal with?