“Mom Guilt”

Just today, I went into the office and decided to buy lunch from the food court. Even as I was pondering whether to buy lunch, I began to think of my kids. Debating whether I should buy lunch or go home and eat with them. There’s a lot of variety these days and I (eventually) ordered the vegetable Manchurian with rice. All I could think about was how they would enjoy the food. How my oldest would get the chicken and how my youngest would love the samosa. I was so plagued by mom guilt as I walked back to my office.

I didn’t know why I was feeling so guilty over something as simple as eating lunch. My kids have never gone hungry a day in their life. All of their material needs are met and they are not lacking for anything. My partner reminded me that they have more than he or I ever had growing up. He had to remind me of how much I do for them and that it’s okay for me to do something for myself—even something as simple as buying lunch.

But why? Why did I need to be reminded of such a thing?  I realized that my culture, my upbringing, and our society place a preeminent focus on the woman as a wife, as a mother and extol the virtues of self-sacrifice and prioritizing the needs of her family. The belief that doing things that benefit no one else is considered a waste of time and that taking time for myself is considered selfish. And I hate that.

So I am pledging to myself to take a few minutes every day and a few hours every week for myself spending it how I please. I am already fantasizing about taking the time to be with my thoughts, daydreaming as I listen to some mellow indie-pop. Taking the time helps me connect with myself again, reminding me of the person I am—not defined by my role in relation to others around me. As I sit here, eating my vegetable manchurian and listening to “Mariella” by Khruangbin & León Bridges—a deliciously soft sweet melancholic Texas melody—I drift away..dreaming of a younger carefree version of myself.

I realize I cannot shoulder the responsibility of the world alone. I have to acknowledge that my family is well-taken care of and that spending time with myself, by myself, for myself is not an act of selfishness but a necessary act of self-care that allows me to be happier and be at peace.

So to all of you out there who care for others and prioritize the needs of your family above your own, carve some time out every day for yourself. Connect with your true self. Date yourself. Rediscover who you are. You might just fall in love.

—Written on June 14, 2022