“Reach out and touch someone”
If you get my reference, please do leave a comment!
TW: depression, suicide
How many of you would love to see some words of affirmation from a coworker or perhaps a family member? How many of you wonder whether you are valued? You toil all day at work and then come home and do the same. Nary a thank you, much less a token of appreciation.
Take a moment to recall a time when someone praised you for doing a great job. Maybe it was a project at work or dealing with a difficult patient or client. Maybe it was the simple but hearty dinner you made for your family.
Now take a moment to reflect on this: when was the last time you praised someone else? When was the last time you checked in on a friend who was going through a difficult time? How about telling your kids you’re proud of them (regardless of how their team did in the soccer match or their final grades). When did you focus your energy on making the life of your significant other sweeter or easier?
Those words can go a long ways. People even give advice to keep a folder or file with all the kind words people have shared with you. The way you showed up for them when they were going through hardship. It’s important for us to remember to do the same. Often it’s not until we have gone through hardship do we realize the importance of someone reaching out to us.
A little over 4 years ago, I was going through a very difficult time in my life. My divorce had finalized. I was overwhelmed as a single mother of two girls. I couldn’t keep up with my clinic workload. I was falling behind in my notes. And in every other way that I could think of. And yet, I still showed up to work. I still smiled and laughed with others. I joked around. I showed up to meetings. But inside, I was dying. I lost interest in all things. And I lost my will to live.
No one reached out to me. I ended up reaching out to a colleague. Who reached out to my division chief. Who then took steps to get me the help I needed. When select people in my life reached out to ask me how i was doing, it was easy to reply “I’m doing okay.” No one asked how I was really doing. The next few months of 2019, I took time off from work to continue getting the help I needed. And I also began to feel this urge to share my story because I knew I was not the only one who was struggling in life. But I didn’t. I didn’t want to risk my job or anything. There was still so much stigma and shame not only in my culture but in society about depression and “mental health”, much less suicidal ideation or going to therapy or taking medication to normalize your biochemistry.
But here I am. I read a LinkedIn post this week in which a young woman in her 20s shares that a friend of hers died by suicide. And shared the realization that “life in your 20s is f***king hard.” Yes it is. And the 30s and 40s can be the same way. We all think that one day, we will get “there” and be this calm, cool and collected person that isn’t phased by anything in life. And maybe we will. Some days I think I’m there. But most days I’m not.
My past history of dealing with depression that was accompanied by suicidal ideation has helped me to become more compassionate, more aware and has lowered my threshold for reaching out to check in on someone. It has attuned me to the issues of burnout, of feeling inadequate, of feeling like you don’t have the authority to say no. Some of you have received texts or emails from me—sometimes randomly, sometimes after something happens—checking in on you. I want to create a culture where this is the norm. Where we reach out and touch someone AND where we feel comfortable to be vulnerable and share how we truly feel. Only then, can we begin to heal from the many traumas and difficulties we all have experienced in life.
So today, I ask that you reach out to your friends and to people that you may not know as well—maybe the new coworker or the parent(s) of the new kid in daycare—and check in to see how they are doing. It may make all the difference in the world.