“The Grateful Dread”
(Written in August 2022).
Ever have those days where an upcoming meeting or project fills you with dread? That the mere thought of that day makes you want to crawl into a hole and hide until the day has passed? Especially when that meeting is a 1:1 with your supervisor..?
Today was that day for me. I had a morning meeting with my supervisor/mentor/indirect boss and I was filled with dread since the meeting was scheduled last week. I made sure not to have any meetings before and more importantly not to have any appointments immediately afterwards..just in case the meeting went badly. I was filled with dread the night before, visible on my face to my partner. We prayed. I woke up with a sense of dread as well. And as the time got closer to my meeting, literally 10 minutes beforehand, despite trying to give myself a pep talk, I began crying.
I was surprised at what came out of that though. My spirit spoke to me. There was a voice inside my heart, an ever so quiet one, that said, “Your success in life is not going to be determined by your performance in the past 2 weeks, 2 months, or even 2 years. It will be determined by what you do after the meeting. Whether you will pick yourself up and keep going. Yes, it is possible that you may feel hurt by something that is said but it will not break you. This one moment in time by itself isn’t going to make you or break you.”
Hearing that voice dispelled the darkness and shadow that had filled me. I took a deep breath and that sense of dread began to disappear. I realized that I am strong, I am talented and I began to remove any attachment to anything that would be said in the meeting.
In the two minutes beforehand, the thought that crossed my mind was “What’s the worst that can happen?” Get fired? (Which I knew would not happen, but if it did, part of my soul secretly rejoiced at the thought!) They wouldn’t be able to replace me overnight and especially not when my associate was going out on family leave in 3 days. It shifted my perspective and when that shift occurred, I was able to breathe.
The meeting went well—talking about an opportunity at work to create a much-needed pathway to address public health emergencies. The whole experience tied in again with a revelation during a recent coaching session with my coach. I had a strong vision of my spirit during that session. Powerful, gold shimmering elongated form of energy with a brightness that intensified the more I experienced it. My soul energy was full of potential and it made everything in my daily life—all my worries, my anxieties, my concerns, my hesitations—seem irrelevant. It was quite funny actually. The things we stress ourselves with every day—what someone said, what to wear, being “perfect” parents,—essentially having this glitch-free life, seemed so irrelevant to what our soul is capable of doing and who we are capable of being.
We wear different costumes in every act of our lives throughout the day. And sometimes the actor doesn’t know who they are when they are not in costume. Maybe they’ve never figured it out. Maybe they’ve lost sight of it. I play many different roles throughout the day—for me, it’s being a doctor, a mom, a girlfriend, a daughter, a sister, a colleague, etc.—but when all of that is stripped away, the question is “Who is Julie?” I am still figuring out the worldly answer to that—but I know the spiritual answer.
I urge you to reflect on all the different roles you play, the different hats you wear, and the different ways you show up in life. Which of those feel comfortable to you? Which of those feels inauthentic—making you want to hide or avoid it? Who are you when you are not any of those? Take some time to sit with yourself and think about what brings you joy. How do you motivate yourself when life gets you down?
—Written August 5, 2022